Letters to the Editor

Dear UB:

Hello. You're pretty frikkin' amazing. However, I do have a few things I 'd like to bring up.
Sewers: the fabled bane of all humanity, breeders of disease and giant alligators, the terror of urban myths. I can see why you might want to spare your people the horror. Yet, some how I think that there are greater terrors in walking through ankle-deep water thick with blood-borne diseases and foot fungi, and dodging the great sprays of pestilence sent from the tires of every vehicle that happens by. Let me say that, from personal experience, those sprays really suck.
To recap: sewers= nasty scary pits below the streets. No sewers=nasty scary pits IN the streets.
Nevertheless, you rock.
Emily



Dear Washing Machine:

I know we've had our issues. Your geriatric rumblings and incontinence can be difficult to deal with, but I truly regret all of the times that I've turned to Downy Wrinkle Releaser (so sweet! So simple! And it really gets the wrinkles out!) during our little spats. Washing machine, please take me back! Despite your bewildering array of buttons and dials, you never fail to get my clothing clean. Not sort of clean, not merely wet, but truly clean.
Never have I realized your true beauty before now, now that I must treat with the infernal sink that is so fickle in its affections (my hands get clean, yet it rejects my clothing!). Please, oh W.M., remember me fondly.
Emily

Dear Dryer and Clothesline:

My feelings for you have changed in much the same way. Your inconsistency, Dryer, and your inability to produces soft fluffy fabrics despite your care-free appearance, dear Clothesline; no longer do these trivialities offend me. At this moment, it appears that a laundry basket exploded in my bathroom, and you both have so much more to offer than this.
Love, Emily.
P.S. Does this count as an email home?